Resorii Skiit

Welcome to scenic Resorii Skiit, home of the most beautiful slopes and wildlife you can sink your choppers into. Nestled in a...forest, Resorri Skiit is an award winning four-star resort that is, quote, "...awesome..." And you can bet your goody, goody gumdrops that this will be one vacation that you, your loved one, your kids, your closest friends, your extended family, your other friends, and your dog will never forget.

Come and see the Northern flying squirrel, native to the red fir, sugar and ponderosa pine trees surrounding and embedded throughout our ski resort. Don’t forget to keep your eye out for the international buffet/French cuisine restaurant, suspended among our pristine trees.

But are you afraid old Rover isn’t having fun? No problem! Send your dog to the Resorii Doggy-Dog Do-Good Day-Group Day Care, where he’ll have all his ding-dong doggy-dog fun. Don’t have a dog? No problem! You can easily adopt a dog from our Adopt-a-Dandy-Doofy-Goofy-Dog-Coliseum, so you can take your new family member and head for the slopes (Warning: No dogs will be permitted on or anywhere even remotely close to the slopes).

The fun never ends! The Tapas Lounge features bingo tournaments every hour on the hour until 4pm for those who prefer the great indoors. After 4, drinks and entertainment are available for those over 18 years of age.

Have children under the age of ten? Then send them to the Skiity Kiddy funny fun-filled funhouse playhouse, filled with anatomically correct flying squirrels the size of three regular squirrels. That’s right, three! So you know they’re safe.

Don’t have children with you? Well then have fun you lucky lovebirds in our cozy honeymoon suites, filled with velvet. Real velvet! And for a limited time, our rooms all include a jewel encrusted “Do Not Disturb” sign for those nights after hitting the slopes. (Disclaimer: Resorii Skiit holds all customers liable if jewel encrusted “Do Not Disturb” sign is “lost” or stolen).

Don’t forget our world famous slopes! Beginners will want to start on Rock Run: a wide-open, gradient incline with plenty of lights and few trees to block your way! You won’t find any squirrels running around on this slope! Just glide your way down at a calming 5 miles an hour. Ahhh…

Alternatively, there’s the Paper Path: A straight, sharp incline with a few trees to block your way. Watch out for squirrels on this dimly lit slope! Also watch out for fallen branches, rocks, ice, and the occasional pit traps as well.

For those who are extreme skiers or are missing a few crucial brain cells will definitely enjoy the Scissors Blizzard. Choosing your path is crucial in this completely unlit incline of terror. Remember, right after you begin you take the first left, then right, left again, then keep to your left and jump over the log that kind of looks like a crocodile and keep to the left! No, right! No, I was right the first time. Got it? Alright! This razor thin trail is densely populated with trees along with pesky squirrels that run amuck. We highly recommend you not try this course at night or at all for that matter.

(Note: Only three ski routes are installed to ensure compliancy with the EPA. We are not responsible for people who attempt to make their own ski routes).

Rock Run: Recommended for ages 4 to 94

Paper Path: Recommended for ages 14 to 54

Scissors Blizzard: Recommended for ages 32 to 34 (33 year olds not permitted on Resorii grounds)

Hate skiing and anything like it? Then why did you come to a ski resort, you dummy-head? Fortunately for you, we have 24-hour nature trails and forests! Live harmoniously among the flying squirrels and other wildlife!

You shan’t worry about the squirrels when you hear our world famous mathematical evidence! With the best science money can buy, we’ve secured mandatory squirrel happiness to the ten-thousandths digit! That’s right! 1000.0224! With 888 big trees for squirrels to nest, 858 little trees for food, and 116 streetlights to brighten things up, you’ll never be able to stop saying (0.9658L+3.2868+1.0649B-9.9876-6.9627S+91.428) divided by 3.

Come to Resorii Skiit. Where our motto is, “Once you successfully finish Scissors Blizzard, you’ll be so afraid of skiing, you won’t even be able to try Rock Run anymore!”

Resorii Skiit

Like Mom always said, “There’s no place like Resorii Skiit at 3253 Resorii Skiit Ct. Make your reservations at least 24 hours in advance!”

Just so you know

Donuts won't contain calories if you eat them while balanced on one leg because invisible calorie collecting midgets fly between every American's legs and delivers them to jolly old St. Nicholas, who requires 14000 times the amount of calories an average person needs to survive every day to avoid being shredded by his own white blood cells in an HIV hybrid cancer and consequently ruining Christmas.

Everyone knows that.

Sing it soft

Xue zai xia, piar, piar. Chu buliao wai biar, biar. Snow, snow. Drift, drift. Get on home. Swift, swift. Sing it soft, Mom whispers. Whispers so gently I can barely hear her feathery words. Sing it soft and you’ll never be bothered by the snow.

I watch all the other kids as they dance around in the fluffy white, dropping to the ground to make snow children with wings instead of arms. I never get to look at the snow. I never get to feel it fall onto my tongue and drippity-drip down the sides. When you’re older, you’ll spend all the time you want in the snow, Mom says. But for now, stay home and be dry. Stay home and be healthy for another day.

I hate sitting in the house. With nothing but the loud, old heater grinding away. Snoring like an old man. But Mom never lets me out when she’s home. So when Mom’s away, I disobey. Whenever she leaves for work, I would jump into the snow. No jacket. No mittens. No bulky green overcoat that makes me look like a big, mossy marshmallow. I would stay in the snow and make snowmen. I would make children with wings for arms. I would laugh and no one could stop me. I would stay until the snow bit into my skin, painting my fingers with their purple saliva. I would stay even if the wind is extra bitter. I would hear the wind laughing as it purples my uncovered skin. Ffu, ffu, ffu, ffu. Just like that, laughing softly into my ear.

The fun started going away after a while. My head would spin and I would cough. But I would hold it in when Mom came home. It doesn’t feel good to be in the snow anymore. Maybe I’ll stay home. Maybe I’ll stay home and stay healthy for another day.

Happy Holidays

Extreme Knives

(Extremely low voice)

SOMEWHAT BETTER THAN REGULAR KNIVES!!!

GRAAHHHRAAAGG!!!!

And now to Admiral Danial Days, to talk about dental hygiene.

~~~~~~~~~~

Days: Soldiers!! Attention!

Soldiers: Yes sir! Admiral Danial Days, sir!

Days: That's Admiral Danial Hungry Days to you, soldiers!!

Soldier: ...Are you hungry sir?

Days: Yes, in fact I am!

Soldier: ..........would you like a sandwich or

Days: My name is a palindrome!!

Soldier: ...

Days: Now we just got a letter talking about dental- HOLY F***! A duck the size of a small loaf of bread! ...

Soldier: How long has it been since you last ate, sir?

Days: I haven't slept a wink in 49 days. They used to call me Admiral Danial "Stayed awake for 48 days" Days.

Soldier: But now they don't

Days: No, they can't anymore.

Soldier: I'm sorry sir.

Days: I'm sorry too, it's times like this where I feel so insignificant and unable to grasp hold of life's perilous reins to say I've made it, no one can stop me say this is somehow what the feeling like you trudge down and true your way through the hard and bristly under...

Soldier: You went off into a sentence fragment there, sir.

Days: DENTAL HYGIENE. It's more than improtant, it's a way of life.

Soldier: What?

*alarm goes off*

Days: It's that time of the week again! *takes out a bottle of pills and takes a swig*

Soldier: ...

Days: I'm sorry, but I'm just extremely high right now.

Soldier: No, you aren't sir.

Days: *holding a joint* Yes, I am. I was that second you weren't looking.

*alarm goes off*

Days: It's that time of the week again! *takes out pill bottle and throws them over his shoulder* I've decided to quit cold turkey. Ham and baloney with a mayonnaise glaze. Smothered in my mother's home-made sauce of tomato paste and 5 pepper blend.

Soldier: How are you even an admiral?

Days: I slit a Vietcong's stomach with my bare hands and stuffed his intestines down his esophagus until he died of asphyxiation.

Soldier: That's awful

Days: I also baked five cakes and killed a brigade of diabetic Nazis.

Soldier: ...How old are you?

*alarm goes off*

How long has it been? Four billion Fifty million and a hundred eighty-nine thousand milliseconds?

Boy that's a long number.

So you know what we're going to do? We're going all the way to the witch's castle, that's right. Who is the witch, you may ask? Well, ahahaha, you just SHUT UP and mind your own business you stupid kid.

*knock* *knock*

Witch: What do you want?!

Andrew: We're here to kill you. *dumps water on her from a plastic cup*

Witch: ... What did you do that for?

Andrew: *fills the cup and dumps more water on her*

Witch: Stop that.

Andrew: We're here to take back all the fun!

Witch: Well you can't have it, because it's my fun now.

Andrew: Really? Like you have monster trucks and footballs and foosballs and slingshots and video games and fashion magazines and hair curlers and hot guys in there?

Witch: Yes, and they all have my name on them.

Andrew: Well that's fine. I'll just create my own fun outside your castle.

Witch: You wouldn't dare!

Andrew: *holding up picture of a smiling sun*

Witch: Stop that right now! Oooh, that makes me so mad.

Andrew: Quick, while she's distracted, I'll go in and steal all the fun. Then I'll take all the fun with me to farthest southeast corner of the United Jamaica States of Vegas North Korea, the most fun region in the most fun country in the world!

Witch: No! Don't do that.

Andrew: Alright, I'm sorry.

Witch: Well good............. *slams door*

Andrew: Da*g it.

His lordness, the dark sovereign of ironic castigation

Squire: Your lordness, it's about time for your six o'clock meeting. And by that I mean drug dealings. And by that I mean bubble bath.

Deathman: I'm not ready!

Squire: But why sir? You have more than enough dastardly evil cloaks with the word evil written evilly upon them in yellow.

Deathman: Don't correct me, I'm under a lot of bed sheets right now. I mean at least 6 or 7 bed sheets. And they're the wool kind of bed sheets so they're extra itchy and uncomfortable.

Squire: Well I can't afford to waste time. What with such an economic crisis and all the magical tablecloths enslaving the dollar bill and all.

Deathman: Don't forget about the evil death monkey, the death monkey that's 89 times more evil than the purple death monkey, that one. I was the one who made that monkey....Squire? WHERE DID YOU GO?! It's so loud with just my voice in here. I'm just so lonely. No one appreciates me but myself and my invisible friend Jeremy.

Jeremy: I appreciate you, milord.

Deathman: You just shut up and go back to where you belong, Jeremy. All the way back up there.

Jeremy: But I can't. It's so cold back up there and there's penguins everywhere.

Deathman: Well I could care less about you. So I will...fatso prick.

IQ foo yoo...'r brain

Andrew: Now we present the long awaited episode where Andrew goes off and buys inanimate objects impossible to actually purchase in the real world but that's okay

Store clerk: That'll be $19.87, sir. Will that be cash or credit?

Andrew: Surprise me.

Clerk: Alright, it's the IQ FOO YOO 3000 and 50,000X PLUS SILVER COLLECTOR'S EDITION

Andrew: That is surprising.

Clerk: If you get the questions right, 5 million of your closest friends and their respective mamas will be sent to Disney World.

Andrew: DISNEY WORLD?!

Clerk: That's right! (clicks the button)

IQ: Welcome to the IQFY3K+50K+S Collector's edition. We will begin the test...................................................................................now. Up,

Andrew: Down

IQ: Up

Andrew: Down

IQ: 5 times 5

Andrew: 25

IQ: Capital of Delaware?

Andrew: Dover

IQ: A ton in pounds rounded to the 3rd decimal point

Andrew: 2,204.623

IQ: 5th decimal point

Andrew: 2,204.62262

IQ: If A=23 and B=2, how much does C equal?

Andrew: 6.210045086

IQ: You're bluffing

Andrew: How would you know?

IQ: I don't

Andrew: Exactly

IQ: LAST QUESTION: How many piles of corn can fit in a hole 6 ft by 6 ft by 8 ft if all ears of corn are 1ft by .2 ft by .256 ft approximately and there are 4 ears of corn to each pile?

Andrew: 3

IQ: Wrong! It's a hole!

Andrew: NOOOOOO!!!!!

I can't stand having such a low attention span but not low enough to be prescribed medicine to for by a doctor and things

1...2.......3

What are you doing?

I'm naming each of my oranges.

Well you should feel ashamed of how generally ugly you are in every humanely possible way and shape in this dimension and every other dimension remotely parallel and relevant to what I'm talking about right now

Now don't get me angry or I'll have to ring up Mr. Facepusher.

Johnson Facepusher? Oh, is he the one in resources?

No, he pushes faces, what an incredibly idiotic assumption.

WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE ME?!!?

Oh no, no, no...not does...

RAIN!!!

So I decided to go for a walk.

and then KABOOM

RAIN STARTED FALLING LIKE NOAH HAD HIS BAGS READY AND PACKED AND THEN THE

KABOOOMMM

THUNDER AND LIGHTENING LIT UP THE SKY LIKE THE WORLD HAD FINALLY COME TO AN END BECAUSE FIRE AND WATER HAD ACTUALLY FUSED TOGETHER AND BECAME THE SAME THING AND I WAS RUNNING FOR MY LIFE BLINDLY IN THE WRONG DIRECTION FOR 5 MINUTES BEFORE I REALIZED I RAN ALL THE WAY TO THE SCHOOL

SO I WAS RUNNING BACK WITH ALL MY MIGHT, MY CLOTHES JUST SOAKING UP THE WATER LIKE IT WAS THE LAST SUPPER COMBINED WITH THE ULTIMATE FREESTYLE WATERGUN FIGHT SHOWDOWN ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET AND JESUS JUST JUMPED ON THE TABLE AND WAS LIKE

"SLOOOOOOOOW DOOOOOOOWN"

AND EVERYONE WAS LIKE

"NO F***ING WAY" AND JUST KEPT ON PELTING EACH OTHER WITH ICY COLD WATER BLASTING POWER AND THE HOUSES I RAN PAST WERE ALL LIKE

"WHO THE f IS THAT KID?!?!?"

SO I GOT TO THE HUGE BUTT HILL THAT LED TO MY HOUSE AND I WAS LIKE

"AAAHHHH!!!!" AND RAN UP THE HILL AND JUST KEPT RUNNING AND RUNNING LIKE MY NOSE WHEN THAT GUY JUST SUCKER PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON

RUNNING BLOOD THAT IS!!!

SO ANYWAY, I GOT TO MY HOUSE, RAN TO THE FRONT DOOR AND IT WAS LOCKED!!!!!!!!!! AND I WAS LIKE

"OH MY GOD!! LET ME IN!!" BUT NOBODY DID SO I RAN AROUND AND AROUND MY HOUSE UNTIL I DIED!!!

I mean wouldn't that be the silliest story?

NO, because I died at the end and that's not silly at all. It's very serious

Evil Lord of Ironic Punishments, Deathman

Note: When things are written in bold, that means it is said very dramatically and with thunder and junk

Squire: Make way for the Evil Lord of Ironic Punishments, Deathman.

Deathman: I...am Deathman!! And I-

Guy: You suck!

Deathman: What? Who dares slander the name of Death-

Guy: Hey Death Ugly, you're so stupid...and ugly that you and your mom should just...be ugly...

Deathman: How dare you spite the awesome Death Ugly?!

Guy: In fact, you're SO stupid...and fat. That you should just...die! I guess. Yeah, people would be much happier with you dead...and stuff

Deathman: What?!

Guy: Yeah!

Deathman: What?!

Guy: Yeah!

Guy: What?!

Deathman: Yeah!

Deathman: How dare you use the name of Deathman and his mother in vain?! By my mother's fat

Guy: (in the background) Ugly!

Deathman: and ugliness, I shall have my revenge!

Guy: Hey...hey, what do you call two stupid and dumb Deathmans that walk into a bar? ......

Deathman: Your lightning fast wit will be your downfall! Guards! Seize him!

Guy: (in the background) Hey! Stop! What are you doing?! Let go of me! What are you doing with that?! Ah!! AHH!!

Deathman: Now he'll never be able to call someone ugly...

Guy: (in the background) Ahh!!!

Deathman: because I have ironically sewn his mouth shut! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Guy: (muffled) NOOOOO

Post Apocalyptic Cootie Catcher

Choose a # between 1-4

now a # between 1-8

choose another # between 1-12

No peeking...

1.Recession

2.Inflation

3.Obama 4 more years

4. Communistic Takeover

1. Walmart buys Statue of Liberty

2. McDonald's takes over Middle East

3. Diamonds outlawed

4. Medical Science brings back Walt Disney

5. Costco becomes independent nation

6. Last piece of paper becomes national treasure

7. 17th dimension discovered: entirely made of Quarter Pounders

8. Religion Googleology accepts its 15th billionth member

1. McCainbot attempts suicide. Gets death penalty.

"Uuhh...Thanks?" Says McCain

2. Spinning Newspapers enslave human race.

"Meh." Says president

3. Surgeon General repeals cigarette tax.

"Oh sure, smoking is bad, but what's worse for you is...herpes."

4. Every lawyer suddenly dies for some reason.

"What are you gonna do?" Says prez

5. Michael Jackson brought back to life. Dies 3 days later due to lack of pop

and breathable air.

6. Cancer outlawed due to not being nearly enough fun.

7. Wikipedia airs its first TV show.

"They said I was crazy to do this! ..." Says creator, Jimmy Wales.

8. Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana appear at opposite sides of the same room at the same time.

Quantom Nuclear Fusion disproved.

9. National law passed: all citizens must carry a shotgun at all times or be killed on the spot (unofficial)

"It could be worse...somehow."

10. 2nd Great Depression; former Vice-President, Dick Cheney, introduces oranges as currency.

"I hope that the American people will someday see just how practical and orange this idea is."

11. Nobel Prize winner, Albert Gore, mauled by rabid polar bear on steroids.

"Oh the...irony?"

12. End of Pi found.

"It was actually 3 all along. Go figure."

Disclaimer: This was all originally done by me.

GUESS WHO!?!?! No, that's wrong, you SUCK at guessing

All of you!! Drop and give me ice cream! Ice Cream!! ICE CREAM!!!! Ice cream...!!! Hhh...!!! Ohmygodicecream...!!!!

Yes Ma'am! HERE WE COME, WORLD!! DON'T YOU DARE MOVE AN INCH!!

WOOOOSH!!! Crash crash bang skid skid twist blood blood blood blood blood blood blood ...blood...

............Who was that?

Well alright then, have a safe drive home and watch out for HEAD-EATING BEAR MONKEYS!!!!

They come in packs of 400,000,000!!!!

FOUR HUNDRED MILLION

FOUR HUNDRED MILLION Aw that's a lot

Ok, nobody panic but I just placed a bunch of land mines around the room and I completely forgot where they are

KABLOOOM!!!!!!

Ok, that was my impression of a land mine, NOW IT'S YOUR TURN!!!

And if your acting displeases me, I will push the button that activates all the land mines immediately. *repeatedly pushing button*

OMG OMG

7/8/09!!!

That's just wicked!!!

Let's have a big cheer for another coincidental date that has a little bit of significance!

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

New! Spunketatanium! Makes botox a thing of the past! Now with extra spunk!

Doom: So you have finally realized the truth, my son.

Eon: No, it can't be!!

Doom: (takes off mask)

Eon: Impossible!! My father was killed in a lab accident! The ogre demon of the universe devil satan can't be my father!! (fire explodes behind him)

Doom: Probably not then.

Eon: Damn your tricks, old man!! You will not stand against my sonic thrusting punch fist!!!

Doom: You underestimate your father!!maybe

Eon: EEEEAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!

Doom: Your lackluster punching fist shall be your end!!!!

X: Hold it right there, Doom!

Doom: WHAT?

Eon: Agent Triple X Explosion!!

Doom: No!! You're back after all those devilish trials of squeamish terror!!

X: Yes, and I'm here to say that I am your true father, Eon!!

Eon: What...?!

X: Never mind, because I'm actually (takes off mask) Doom!!! Your father!!!possibly

Me: (watching TV, pulls grenade cord with teeth)

Sims 3

Yay! I finally got Sims 3!!

DA DA DA DA

You gained 1 handiness point! Hooray for trial and error!

DA DA DA DA

You tinkered with your shower! It's broken now since you...freaking tinkered with your shower! Who told you to do that?! You know, if this was the real world, and you had one handiness point and freaking messed with your shower for no reason, it would break, and cost you a bucketload of money because you're a freaking idiot for messing with your shower that wasn't even broken in the first place!

GOD

Matrix

Speaker: Drive through please...Hi, welcome to McDonold's, can I help you?

Neo: Yeah, I'll have a quarter pounder and- Ah!

Bane: (sitting in the passenger's seat) Hello, Mr. Anderson...

Neo: Who are you?

Bane: You don't recognize me, Mr. Anderson? No...of course not. How can you behind this rotting meat sack, anything this weak doesn't deserve to survive. (spits) It's disgusting.

Neo: What do you want?

Bane: I want what you want...

Neo: ............Ok, make that two

Speaker: Thank you sir, drive through to the next window please

WHAT HE SAY?!

That is a of

SECRET COOOODE

I have a new secret code, BUT I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU WHAT IT IS

The secret is to type one key to the left on your keyboard, so DOG = SIF and PENNY = OWBBT

Secret code:

fywaa qglr? Tiy um byv 3 glcubf wbiyfg deww runw 1 dufyew iyr xisw OQB

Think about this

I shall now rant about how it is that almost everybody has a blog, but some people have really suckish blogs that they don't put much effort to which causes the really cool blogs that DO have LOTS of effort put into them to be unread, which causes me to be extremely angry at society for creating lazy people. But no one cares so I'm going to go croqueting for a while to blow off steam

But of course, no one will ever read this

Ever

Ever

....

.....

..

.....

.

The General rules of Croquet

A coin toss should determine who goes first. Among younger players, there is often a rush to get a certain color. Color determines order and should be allocated based on teams selected and the coin toss. It should be noted that there is not a particular advantage to being first. In fact, many players prefer to be late in the order.

The player to begin play places his ball about mid-way between the stake and the first wicket. He hits his ball with the mallet and attempts to pass through the wickets before him. If he passes through both wickets, he receives two bonus strokes.

Generally, bonus strokes do not accumulate - only the last bonus strokes earned are allowed (the exception being the two wickets at the starting or turning stakes). Bonus strokes are awarded for going through a wicket, for hitting a stake, or for hitting another ball.

Next Page

The best kind of amusement park is an amusement park during the school months

Well with the economy and all, people are too afraid to have fun. Which is good news for us!

By the way, news is news because of North East West and South

North

East

West

South

NEWS if you haven't already known that from someone else's blog but I digress

The park was kinda full around noon which compelled some people to buy a very expensive Flash Pass which costs at least twice a season's pass

But in the morning, and to the afternoon, the park was VERY empty

Which brings me to say that although it was cool that the Logger's Run ride were running, MOST OF THE LOGS WERE EMPTY

Which means that we are WASTING a LOT of water

But it was fun anyway, but speaking on a environmentalist's point of view, "IT'S KILLING THE EARTH!!!!"

Well anyway, we went on the Iron Wolf 4 times in a row which DOES NOT CRUSH YOUR CROTCH. However, it did crush my ears, but we got to ride in front 2 times so I could turn my head whichever way to avoid having my ears crushed when we hit a corkscrew

We started with 7 people, but then my whole group was afraid of big rides so they had a tantrum and decided to go their own way. So we went on all the big rides like GIANT DROP and RAGING BULL and V2 (which I swear that the horrible screaming is a sound effect but Sam denies it with all of his being and heart) and SUPER MAN where we rode in the front! 

The dumb thing is that Vlad convinced Jordan and me to go to the front which added 30 more minutes of waiting and just when we got there, the rode got stopped because of a chance of rain, and after a long wait of no rain, the ride started again

So yeah, it was fun, but I'm boring you now, so let's see what would happen if Al Gore had won presidency instead of George Bush 

http://www.alternet.org/blogs/video/52465/

Andrew's Corner's time

Corner: Hey there...Andrew

Andrew: Oh, hello Corner

Corner: I just bought a new cooking knife to chop up the the...stuff that gets chopped up

Andrew: Oh...I guess the last one wasn't cutting it (gun cocks) Ok, ok, I'll be funny, calm down

OH MY GOD!!

You can beat-box for money in Sims 2! Don't believe me?Here you go

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BtIJZ_HNb2Q&feature=related

Ask the Oracle

My child, you may have just three questions. What may they be?

I GITZ DA FOANZZ

HA I GITZ DA PHONE NOWS

It's a touch screen, like a mini iPhone

CEPT IT AIN'T GOTS NO DUMB FRUIT ON ITS LABEL

Peace

You know, I'm not really that evil.

I'm so tired of people calling me evil and ALL THAT GOOD STUFF. Here's a flower.

MUAHAHA. Now everything's coming together. Now no one will be able to notice the explosive bomb exploding exploder device I've explosively installed above the Pentagon building which will make it explode!! dexplo

What was that?

Oh...nothing.

KABLOOOM

Well are you happy now, Humpty Dumptshire? You just accidentally destroyed half of Spain and middle east Europe.

Yes, "accidentally," MUAHAHAAHAHAAHA. HAHAH. Ha. Ahaha. Haa. Mm.

NIGHT!!!

AAAHHH! THIS IS ME BLOGGING!! I'M GOING TO SLEEP!! RIGHT NOW!!! AND THIS IS ME GOING TO SLEEP!!!!!!!

ZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALRIGHT, THAT'S THE LAST STRAW!!!

Oh, that was so humorously misleading

Ha, oh ha ha, oh ha

ha

Yay, I apply for college!

I finally applied to the

United Cornwallis Butler Faculty Kinship

The Uni. Corn. But. Fac. Kin. is a very prestigious university! You need strength, courage, and an open mind to be a part of the Uni. Corn. But. Fac. Kin.

Ah, General Cornwallis Butler was a good man, and his university is one of the best!

You should see the mascot!!

GUESS WHAT?!?!

AAAHHH!!! MY SPACE BAR SUCKS!! IT CAN'T SPACE ANYMORE!!!!!

I gotta figure out a way to get all my money back after that completely crazy adventure I had with that mailman in a ski mask.

Oh, I know! I'll do it with the power of...LOVE! That's HOGWASH!!! Oh, I know! I'll open up a Hog Wash! Shine your hog for you, sir? Only a nickel.

HEY!! Guess what I bought?

........a bagel

...

HOW THE FACK DID YOU KNOW?

Top 5 CrackPots of American History (Micah's tag)

1. Sharp Half V crack with small crack adjacent

2. Crocker Copyright Fairly Oddparents

3. Victor Frankenstein

4. Flower pot with large shard cracked off

5. Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. Copyright of Monsters Vs. Aliens and Dreamworks

I'll tag Sam, 5 ways you'd handle monkeys attacking your house

Andrew's Corner

OMG!! I FINALLY GOT MY OWN CORNER!!!

Think, or EXPLODE!!!

What would happen if you combine oxyclean stain remover with stainless iron?

What does a Frenchman yell when a loud police car goes by?

Psst, both questions have the same answer

Greetings from Maryland!

Hii! This is me and I'm in Maryland! I'm going to be here for the rest of Spring break and I'll be up to my neck with sight-seeing, so sorry if I can't reply until I get back on my profile which you guys really should check out! Just click my profile pic, it's the one where I look like a samurai.

Ok, Do you want to hear the joke about the lazy joke-teller?















So would I

Pineapple

YAY! It's time for another episode of Andrew's Corner!

**Restaurant**

Waiter: Mmm, Sir, your table is ready with the wood chipper you requested

Andrew: BANANA!!!

Waiter: ....What can I start you off with today?

Andrew: BANANA!!!

Waiter: ....how, sir?

Andrew: Sliced; 1/8 inch, garnished with herbs from your garden, soaked with coconut oil and fried until golden brown in a 2 foot by 1 1/2 tin plated pan; imported from the coastal regions of Northeastern Hokkaido

Waiter: ....Sir, this is a Wendy's

Andrew: BANANA!!!

Waiter: ...that'll be $12.99 plus tip, your food will be with you in 14-14 1/3 minutes

**outside**

Andrew: WHAT A RIP OFF!!!!!!

GOATS!!!!

We're off to see the wizard!! PANTS, DON'T FAIL ME NOW!!

OH MY GOD!! A SPIDER!! AHH! AAH! AHH! AAH! AHH! AAH! STOP YELLING!!

Who made you the boss of me? Carrots? Well you win this time, carrot man. But next time...you'll probably win again but the time after that! Ooh! The time after that, watch your back!

DUN DUN DUN

With your eyes!!

DUN DUN DUN!!! AHHH!! BOLD DUNNING!!!

That's a cool name. Secret Agent Bold Dunning. I would like that name.

NOW WOULD YOU LIKE ONE HAPPY MEAL OR TWO?! THEY COME IN BOXES OF A MILLION!!!

Um, is the answer one?

NOO!!!!

Aww, well do I still get the grand prize?

Of course, here's the grand prize! A hundred billion dollars and a goat!!

*Box opens, completely empty except for goat who burps*

WHAT A RIP OFF!! I WANTED TWO GOATS!!

I rant about stuffz

Ok, you know how Youtube emails you whenever someone replies to your comments? Well why doesn't Blogger do that?! So now I have to check every post to see if anyone commented! THAT MAKES ME SO MAD. Also, when I ask a question on someone else's blog, I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHEN THAT QUESTION IS ANSWERED!! And the fact that I don't know makes me ANGRY!!! AAAUUGHHHBLLAAAGHHHHI'MSOANGRYANDTHISISMEBEINGANGRYBLAAAAAGGHHHHshhhptt..

EL 50 POSTO!!

THIS ES EL CINCUENTA POSTO, SENOR!!!

ME GUSTA EL CHURRO!!!

CHURRRRRRO!!!!

Well I'm catching up, I gotta work on more Blurbs

OH!! AND I JUST CAME FROM AN AWESOME PARTY!!

We were raising money for Cambodia, and our job was the Ring Toss Game. If you win, you get a soda!! And all the soda was won so EVERYONE WAS REALLY HYPER AND JUMPING AROUND WHEN WE WERE DANCING WITH A LIVE BAND!!!!

OMGWTGITWASSOFUN

Ok, bye guys! Thanks for reading!

The Rape of Nanking

The hollowed bones of my brother,

The mangled corpse of my mother,

The rectangular pit in which my father dug and died.

My sister taken to be a slave pet,

My best friend stabbed by bayonets,

And the thousands that were soaked with gasoline and fried.

Tens upon thousands of women raped,

The Japanese soldiers laughed and taped,

These atrocities with a smile on their lips.

And the narcotics that were passed about,

So that the population would be pacified without,

Worrying about a couple thousand whipped.

And those pregnant had their fetuses torn,

There was no chance to pray or mourn,

For the streets ran red with blood and bones,

And those who were not raped, nor burned, nor stoned,

Had found salvation in the Safety Zone.

What's in his pockets? Knives and lint, eh?

What’s going on here?! Petty theft eh?? You better tell me where you live, buddy!

I live in that cardboard box over there

YOU CAN’T LIVE IN THAT BOX!!

WHY NOT?!?!

BECAUSE I LIVE IN THAT BOX!!

I RUN OUT OF TITLE IDEAS

OH MY GOD! SO MANY SHEEP! One sheep, two sheep, SHUT UP!! YOU'RE MAKING ME LOSE COUNT!!

Oh I know, maybe it'll help if we sing a song!

HOW WILL THAT HELP?!?!

...I don't know...

And now aerobics! And 1, and 2, and feel the burn! OW IT HURTS LIKE REALLY HURTY STUFF!!

I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW HARD WRITING JUNK IS!! You know what, I think someday someone will dig this out of the dirt and say that this is pretty good stuff.

AHAHAHA!! Ah, that was funny.

KABLAM!!

THERE’S NO MORE COFFEE!! Sure there is! If you just BELIEVE!!!!

NO!

That is NOT what happens!

...

Ok what else is in the news? OH! Ok, so what’s black, blue, and red all over? .....OH FRICK!!! I messed up!!! Why are jokes so hard?!

Ok, everybody on the waterslide! YAY!! Now here comes the GRENADES KABLAM!! KABLAM!!!

Silly subordinate lieutenant commander in charge of certain stuffs, thugs need hugs, not drugs! ...Right?

FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH AGAIN

Every year, there's at least one Friday the thirteenth. Well at least as long as I can remember. Sometimes there's 2 Friday the 13ths or 3 or more! BUT NEVER IN THE HISTORY OF AS FAR AS I CAN REMEMBER IS THERE TWO FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTHS IN A ROW!!!!

OMGWTGLAZORPANCAKESPEWPEW

You see, the only way there can be two friday the thirteenths in a row, is if January has a Friday the 13th, and it's not a leap year. AND THAT'S THIS YEAR

Quote: Manifian; The second Friday the 13th, 2009

You have no chance to survive make your time

Somebody set us up the bomb. WHO?! THE GOVERNMENT?! NOOOOOOOO *turns into a tire* Mmm! Tires are round! Like a doughnut! And doughnuts are good!

AND DOUGHNUTS ARE DOUGHNUTS!!!!

OMG! THERE’S NO MORE RICE!! WHATAMIGONNADO?!?!

Hey kids, don’t touch that grenade! It’s DANGEROUS. Wow, thanks random hobo! Remember kids, random hobo says, “AARRGHHWHERETHEF*CKISMAHPANTS”

KABLAM!!

If we don’t find that bomb now, everyone will...eh, something or another.

Now would you like one-ply or two? Actually, I don’t really care so bye! AAAAHHH!!!! SCREAMING!!!! OH NOES!! It’s Ari the Hispanic Cat! We call him…Arigato. AHAHAHAHAHA

THAT’S NOT FUNNY YOU UGLY!!!! WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME?!?! Someone spiked the eggnog! WITH WHAT?! …With spikes… DUN DUN DUN

Now class, everyone will get a bullet proof vest, except you…you get this eggplant.

This one is my favorite so far. IT'S ABOUT EGGPLANTS!

HOLY COW!! A FIST! *POOOOW* My face! My terribly ugly face!! Just kidding! Unless I’m actually a pineapple, then YES. But if I WERE a pineapple, I would punch myself in the face until I cry out, “OWWW YOU ARE CURRENTLY PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE AND IT HURTS!!!”

Then I would go back in time! WEEEE!

Stop mocking me you stupid bird! I hate you! Unless you bring me some orange juice because orange juice is PULPY!! With lotsa pulp! Now you have caught up with our story and I’m out of breath!! But you can’t have any of my delicious macaroni, the secret is EGGPLANTS!!

EGGPLANNNTTTSSSSSSS

What happened?

Now just hang on one second!!!! Why is it so dark?! Stop turning on that light and go to sleep, Kevin!! I HATE YOU!! SO MUCH!!!!!! .... I'm sorry, I didn't mean it...

Hello, it appears that I am on fire. It hurts a lot and it I appear to have a splinter in my right toe and it HURTS OWWWWW!!! And now sports! I’m sorry, the sportscaster has just been fed to wild Gorilla Tigers. YES There is TOO such a thing as Gorilla Tigers, MOM!!

I’m running out of ideas! RUN RUN RUN OH WAIT! I still have to talk about John McCain! I don’t like him because he’s a BOX OF BANDAGES! ARGHH Say it isn’t bananas!! JOHN! Say it isn’t bananas or I will kick you in the shin so hard that it will hurt a little bit, and you know I will you little whipper snapper.

© 2009 Simultaneously published in Canada

Story time!

Hello children, I'm grandma Grandmutherson, and I'm going to read a story. *opens large dusty book* Ah...this is one of my most favorite stories...

Once upon a time, there was an evil monster that liked to play with bunnies in his spare time. However unfortunately, that's not very interesting at all. So the best course of action is to ignore him and hope he goes away.

It was a dark and stormy morning, and the bats and birds and evil monsters were just drifting in to a sound sleep. Well, all except for the evil monster, who kept tossing and turning in bed because he could not help but think that he had completely wasted his life. I mean, he’s 53 and all he does is prance around with bunnies all day. And he certainly isn't going to be hired any time soon. I mean would you want to hire some old creep that plays with bunnies? That's right, you wouldn't, so be quiet and stop questioning everything.

But suddenly, a huge crash was heard outside. And little did our monster friend know, that his entire existence would suddenly be changed in no way whatsoever so he got himself a glass of milk and went back to contemplating on how much better his life would be if only something interesting would happen to him, but nothing probably ever will.

The end!

…That story sucked!

Andrew's Corner

Welcome back to Andrew's corner, the part of the show where Andrew goes to the department store and buys a corner

Andrew: ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

Store Attendant: Sir, do you need help?

Andrew: SHUT UP!!! YOU'LL MAKE ME LOSE COUNT!!!

Store Attendant: ....Lose count of what?

Andrew: I'm counting how many tacos I can fit in each corner. NOW I'LL HAVE TO START OVER FROM THE BEGINNING!!!! WHY IS BUYING CORNERS SO HARD?!?! I HATE THIS SHOW!!!

Join us next time, where Andrew goes and buys a doorframe

Comment for Matt's poem for Jess

Awwww, that's so sweet, but remember cause *takes out a guitar*

Love is like a river, if you fall in it, you die. *strum strum*

And loove is like a bumblebee, it looks fuzzy but it stings *strum strum*

And Looove is like your breath after you eat onions, sardines, pickled cabbage, some spoiled milk, some rotten potatoes and a few pieces of glass It stinks *guitar ending* THANK YOU CLEVELAND!!! Music and Lyrics by Andrew M, ok, just lyrics, BUT I SWEAR THOSE FREAKING LYRICS ARE MINE

2009 Argonne Science Bowl

Yay, I just came back from Argonne Laboratory to compete in a Science Bowl. Things were rough, we won all of our games until the final round, where Roosevelt beat us twice by a slight margin.

So yay, it's the first time our school competed and we did pretty well.

David

Me

John

Miles

2009 Science Bowl Runner-ups

Love

Until a time where you may trust my words as my own, I shall allow my poem to remain away from public's eyes.

Thank you

Hmmm...

Even though this is a Talkspot, I haven't opened up many topics for people to talk about since I'm so fairly sure that nobody cares enough about me to actually talk here.

But I will open up an interesting topic.

Many different cultures have different foods. What did you have for dinner last night?

I had spicy tofu w/ pork dish with rice, I also had some vegetable soup and left over bok choy dish

Andrew's corner

Andrew's attempt at spelling hullaballoo #23:

haughloobaughllooi

This has been another Andrew's corner, join us next time where Andrew trys to spell:

straatavariouys

AW F*CK!! WE JUST GAVE AWAY THE WHOLE EPISODE!!!

Blurb - Like a kick in the kicker. That's right, in the leg.

SPOON!!!!!

I need a spoon!! Why thank you sir. YOU PEOPLE GET OFF MY RAFT OR I'll, I'll do...somethin'

Alright, now I know if we think really calmly and rationally, I mean REALLY calmly and rationally, I mean REALLY REALLY CALMLY and rationally, I mean EXCESSIVELY CALMLY AND RATIONALLY then I'm sure everything will be completely and utterly fine after I finish this sentence.

...

Huh, what do you know?

My parents just turned into zombies!!

KABLOOOOOOMM!!!!!

EPIC QUAIL

And someone else already made up Epic Quail too!

I thought I was the one who made it up, awwwwwww

God, nothing is original these days -_-

<--quail

Yours sincerely and truly,

Sir Louis Smith Armington the Third Esquire

Old Life story

Young Louis Smith Armington the Third Esquire was born on a wintery winter day while it was snowing outside since it was winter.

HI! I'M AT SCHOOL RIGHT NOW!

YAY! I'm at school right now and I'm supposed to be researching about Totalitarianism on this macbook, BYE!!!

Yay!! I have a blog!

Yay! I have a blog! I can now let out all of my pent up feelings that I can't normally let out................................ok, see you later!