Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Resorii Skiit

Welcome to scenic Resorii Skiit, home of the most beautiful slopes and wildlife you can sink your choppers into. Nestled in a...forest, Resorri Skiit is an award winning four-star resort that is, quote, "...awesome..." And you can bet your goody, goody gumdrops that this will be one vacation that you, your loved one, your kids, your closest friends, your extended family, your other friends, and your dog will never forget.

Come and see the Northern flying squirrel, native to the red fir, sugar and ponderosa pine trees surrounding and embedded throughout our ski resort. Don’t forget to keep your eye out for the international buffet/French cuisine restaurant, suspended among our pristine trees.

But are you afraid old Rover isn’t having fun? No problem! Send your dog to the Resorii Doggy-Dog Do-Good Day-Group Day Care, where he’ll have all his ding-dong doggy-dog fun. Don’t have a dog? No problem! You can easily adopt a dog from our Adopt-a-Dandy-Doofy-Goofy-Dog-Coliseum, so you can take your new family member and head for the slopes (Warning: No dogs will be permitted on or anywhere even remotely close to the slopes).

The fun never ends! The Tapas Lounge features bingo tournaments every hour on the hour until 4pm for those who prefer the great indoors. After 4, drinks and entertainment are available for those over 18 years of age.

Have children under the age of ten? Then send them to the Skiity Kiddy funny fun-filled funhouse playhouse, filled with anatomically correct flying squirrels the size of three regular squirrels. That’s right, three! So you know they’re safe.

Don’t have children with you? Well then have fun you lucky lovebirds in our cozy honeymoon suites, filled with velvet. Real velvet! And for a limited time, our rooms all include a jewel encrusted “Do Not Disturb” sign for those nights after hitting the slopes. (Disclaimer: Resorii Skiit holds all customers liable if jewel encrusted “Do Not Disturb” sign is “lost” or stolen).

Don’t forget our world famous slopes! Beginners will want to start on Rock Run: a wide-open, gradient incline with plenty of lights and few trees to block your way! You won’t find any squirrels running around on this slope! Just glide your way down at a calming 5 miles an hour. Ahhh…

Alternatively, there’s the Paper Path: A straight, sharp incline with a few trees to block your way. Watch out for squirrels on this dimly lit slope! Also watch out for fallen branches, rocks, ice, and the occasional pit traps as well.

For those who are extreme skiers or are missing a few crucial brain cells will definitely enjoy the Scissors Blizzard. Choosing your path is crucial in this completely unlit incline of terror. Remember, right after you begin you take the first left, then right, left again, then keep to your left and jump over the log that kind of looks like a crocodile and keep to the left! No, right! No, I was right the first time. Got it? Alright! This razor thin trail is densely populated with trees along with pesky squirrels that run amuck. We highly recommend you not try this course at night or at all for that matter.

(Note: Only three ski routes are installed to ensure compliancy with the EPA. We are not responsible for people who attempt to make their own ski routes).

Rock Run: Recommended for ages 4 to 94

Paper Path: Recommended for ages 14 to 54

Scissors Blizzard: Recommended for ages 32 to 34 (33 year olds not permitted on Resorii grounds)

Hate skiing and anything like it? Then why did you come to a ski resort, you dummy-head? Fortunately for you, we have 24-hour nature trails and forests! Live harmoniously among the flying squirrels and other wildlife!

You shan’t worry about the squirrels when you hear our world famous mathematical evidence! With the best science money can buy, we’ve secured mandatory squirrel happiness to the ten-thousandths digit! That’s right! 1000.0224! With 888 big trees for squirrels to nest, 858 little trees for food, and 116 streetlights to brighten things up, you’ll never be able to stop saying (0.9658L+3.2868+1.0649B-9.9876-6.9627S+91.428) divided by 3.

Come to Resorii Skiit. Where our motto is, “Once you successfully finish Scissors Blizzard, you’ll be so afraid of skiing, you won’t even be able to try Rock Run anymore!”

Resorii Skiit

Like Mom always said, “There’s no place like Resorii Skiit at 3253 Resorii Skiit Ct. Make your reservations at least 24 hours in advance!”

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Just so you know

Donuts won't contain calories if you eat them while balanced on one leg because invisible calorie collecting midgets fly between every American's legs and delivers them to jolly old St. Nicholas, who requires 14000 times the amount of calories an average person needs to survive every day to avoid being shredded by his own white blood cells in an HIV hybrid cancer and consequently ruining Christmas.

Everyone knows that.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Sing it soft

Xue zai xia, piar, piar. Chu buliao wai biar, biar. Snow, snow. Drift, drift. Get on home. Swift, swift. Sing it soft, Mom whispers. Whispers so gently I can barely hear her feathery words. Sing it soft and you’ll never be bothered by the snow.

I watch all the other kids as they dance around in the fluffy white, dropping to the ground to make snow children with wings instead of arms. I never get to look at the snow. I never get to feel it fall onto my tongue and drippity-drip down the sides. When you’re older, you’ll spend all the time you want in the snow, Mom says. But for now, stay home and be dry. Stay home and be healthy for another day.

I hate sitting in the house. With nothing but the loud, old heater grinding away. Snoring like an old man. But Mom never lets me out when she’s home. So when Mom’s away, I disobey. Whenever she leaves for work, I would jump into the snow. No jacket. No mittens. No bulky green overcoat that makes me look like a big, mossy marshmallow. I would stay in the snow and make snowmen. I would make children with wings for arms. I would laugh and no one could stop me. I would stay until the snow bit into my skin, painting my fingers with their purple saliva. I would stay even if the wind is extra bitter. I would hear the wind laughing as it purples my uncovered skin. Ffu, ffu, ffu, ffu. Just like that, laughing softly into my ear.

The fun started going away after a while. My head would spin and I would cough. But I would hold it in when Mom came home. It doesn’t feel good to be in the snow anymore. Maybe I’ll stay home. Maybe I’ll stay home and stay healthy for another day.

Happy Holidays

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Extreme Knives

(Extremely low voice)


And now to Admiral Danial Days, to talk about dental hygiene.


Days: Soldiers!! Attention!

Soldiers: Yes sir! Admiral Danial Days, sir!

Days: That's Admiral Danial Hungry Days to you, soldiers!!

Soldier: ...Are you hungry sir?

Days: Yes, in fact I am!

Soldier: ..........would you like a sandwich or

Days: My name is a palindrome!!

Soldier: ...

Days: Now we just got a letter talking about dental- HOLY F***! A duck the size of a small loaf of bread! ...

Soldier: How long has it been since you last ate, sir?

Days: I haven't slept a wink in 49 days. They used to call me Admiral Danial "Stayed awake for 48 days" Days.

Soldier: But now they don't

Days: No, they can't anymore.

Soldier: I'm sorry sir.

Days: I'm sorry too, it's times like this where I feel so insignificant and unable to grasp hold of life's perilous reins to say I've made it, no one can stop me say this is somehow what the feeling like you trudge down and true your way through the hard and bristly under...

Soldier: You went off into a sentence fragment there, sir.

Days: DENTAL HYGIENE. It's more than improtant, it's a way of life.

Soldier: What?

*alarm goes off*

Days: It's that time of the week again! *takes out a bottle of pills and takes a swig*

Soldier: ...

Days: I'm sorry, but I'm just extremely high right now.

Soldier: No, you aren't sir.

Days: *holding a joint* Yes, I am. I was that second you weren't looking.

*alarm goes off*

Days: It's that time of the week again! *takes out pill bottle and throws them over his shoulder* I've decided to quit cold turkey. Ham and baloney with a mayonnaise glaze. Smothered in my mother's home-made sauce of tomato paste and 5 pepper blend.

Soldier: How are you even an admiral?

Days: I slit a Vietcong's stomach with my bare hands and stuffed his intestines down his esophagus until he died of asphyxiation.

Soldier: That's awful

Days: I also baked five cakes and killed a brigade of diabetic Nazis.

Soldier: ...How old are you?

*alarm goes off*

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

How long has it been? Four billion Fifty million and a hundred eighty-nine thousand milliseconds?

Boy that's a long number.

So you know what we're going to do? We're going all the way to the witch's castle, that's right. Who is the witch, you may ask? Well, ahahaha, you just SHUT UP and mind your own business you stupid kid.

*knock* *knock*

Witch: What do you want?!

Andrew: We're here to kill you. *dumps water on her from a plastic cup*

Witch: ... What did you do that for?

Andrew: *fills the cup and dumps more water on her*

Witch: Stop that.

Andrew: We're here to take back all the fun!

Witch: Well you can't have it, because it's my fun now.

Andrew: Really? Like you have monster trucks and footballs and foosballs and slingshots and video games and fashion magazines and hair curlers and hot guys in there?

Witch: Yes, and they all have my name on them.

Andrew: Well that's fine. I'll just create my own fun outside your castle.

Witch: You wouldn't dare!

Andrew: *holding up picture of a smiling sun*

Witch: Stop that right now! Oooh, that makes me so mad.

Andrew: Quick, while she's distracted, I'll go in and steal all the fun. Then I'll take all the fun with me to farthest southeast corner of the United Jamaica States of Vegas North Korea, the most fun region in the most fun country in the world!

Witch: No! Don't do that.

Andrew: Alright, I'm sorry.

Witch: Well good............. *slams door*

Andrew: Da*g it.

Monday, December 14, 2009

His lordness, the dark sovereign of ironic castigation

Squire: Your lordness, it's about time for your six o'clock meeting. And by that I mean drug dealings. And by that I mean bubble bath.

Deathman: I'm not ready!

Squire: But why sir? You have more than enough dastardly evil cloaks with the word evil written evilly upon them in yellow.

Deathman: Don't correct me, I'm under a lot of bed sheets right now. I mean at least 6 or 7 bed sheets. And they're the wool kind of bed sheets so they're extra itchy and uncomfortable.

Squire: Well I can't afford to waste time. What with such an economic crisis and all the magical tablecloths enslaving the dollar bill and all.

Deathman: Don't forget about the evil death monkey, the death monkey that's 89 times more evil than the purple death monkey, that one. I was the one who made that monkey....Squire? WHERE DID YOU GO?! It's so loud with just my voice in here. I'm just so lonely. No one appreciates me but myself and my invisible friend Jeremy.

Jeremy: I appreciate you, milord.

Deathman: You just shut up and go back to where you belong, Jeremy. All the way back up there.

Jeremy: But I can't. It's so cold back up there and there's penguins everywhere.

Deathman: Well I could care less about you. So I will...fatso prick.