Resorii Skiit

Welcome to scenic Resorii Skiit, home of the most beautiful slopes and wildlife you can sink your choppers into. Nestled in a...forest, Resorri Skiit is an award winning four-star resort that is, quote, "...awesome..." And you can bet your goody, goody gumdrops that this will be one vacation that you, your loved one, your kids, your closest friends, your extended family, your other friends, and your dog will never forget.

Come and see the Northern flying squirrel, native to the red fir, sugar and ponderosa pine trees surrounding and embedded throughout our ski resort. Don’t forget to keep your eye out for the international buffet/French cuisine restaurant, suspended among our pristine trees.

But are you afraid old Rover isn’t having fun? No problem! Send your dog to the Resorii Doggy-Dog Do-Good Day-Group Day Care, where he’ll have all his ding-dong doggy-dog fun. Don’t have a dog? No problem! You can easily adopt a dog from our Adopt-a-Dandy-Doofy-Goofy-Dog-Coliseum, so you can take your new family member and head for the slopes (Warning: No dogs will be permitted on or anywhere even remotely close to the slopes).

The fun never ends! The Tapas Lounge features bingo tournaments every hour on the hour until 4pm for those who prefer the great indoors. After 4, drinks and entertainment are available for those over 18 years of age.

Have children under the age of ten? Then send them to the Skiity Kiddy funny fun-filled funhouse playhouse, filled with anatomically correct flying squirrels the size of three regular squirrels. That’s right, three! So you know they’re safe.

Don’t have children with you? Well then have fun you lucky lovebirds in our cozy honeymoon suites, filled with velvet. Real velvet! And for a limited time, our rooms all include a jewel encrusted “Do Not Disturb” sign for those nights after hitting the slopes. (Disclaimer: Resorii Skiit holds all customers liable if jewel encrusted “Do Not Disturb” sign is “lost” or stolen).

Don’t forget our world famous slopes! Beginners will want to start on Rock Run: a wide-open, gradient incline with plenty of lights and few trees to block your way! You won’t find any squirrels running around on this slope! Just glide your way down at a calming 5 miles an hour. Ahhh…

Alternatively, there’s the Paper Path: A straight, sharp incline with a few trees to block your way. Watch out for squirrels on this dimly lit slope! Also watch out for fallen branches, rocks, ice, and the occasional pit traps as well.

For those who are extreme skiers or are missing a few crucial brain cells will definitely enjoy the Scissors Blizzard. Choosing your path is crucial in this completely unlit incline of terror. Remember, right after you begin you take the first left, then right, left again, then keep to your left and jump over the log that kind of looks like a crocodile and keep to the left! No, right! No, I was right the first time. Got it? Alright! This razor thin trail is densely populated with trees along with pesky squirrels that run amuck. We highly recommend you not try this course at night or at all for that matter.

(Note: Only three ski routes are installed to ensure compliancy with the EPA. We are not responsible for people who attempt to make their own ski routes).

Rock Run: Recommended for ages 4 to 94

Paper Path: Recommended for ages 14 to 54

Scissors Blizzard: Recommended for ages 32 to 34 (33 year olds not permitted on Resorii grounds)

Hate skiing and anything like it? Then why did you come to a ski resort, you dummy-head? Fortunately for you, we have 24-hour nature trails and forests! Live harmoniously among the flying squirrels and other wildlife!

You shan’t worry about the squirrels when you hear our world famous mathematical evidence! With the best science money can buy, we’ve secured mandatory squirrel happiness to the ten-thousandths digit! That’s right! 1000.0224! With 888 big trees for squirrels to nest, 858 little trees for food, and 116 streetlights to brighten things up, you’ll never be able to stop saying (0.9658L+3.2868+1.0649B-9.9876-6.9627S+91.428) divided by 3.

Come to Resorii Skiit. Where our motto is, “Once you successfully finish Scissors Blizzard, you’ll be so afraid of skiing, you won’t even be able to try Rock Run anymore!”

Resorii Skiit

Like Mom always said, “There’s no place like Resorii Skiit at 3253 Resorii Skiit Ct. Make your reservations at least 24 hours in advance!”