Greetings from Maryland!

Hii! This is me and I'm in Maryland! I'm going to be here for the rest of Spring break and I'll be up to my neck with sight-seeing, so sorry if I can't reply until I get back on my profile which you guys really should check out! Just click my profile pic, it's the one where I look like a samurai.

Ok, Do you want to hear the joke about the lazy joke-teller?















So would I

Pineapple

YAY! It's time for another episode of Andrew's Corner!

**Restaurant**

Waiter: Mmm, Sir, your table is ready with the wood chipper you requested

Andrew: BANANA!!!

Waiter: ....What can I start you off with today?

Andrew: BANANA!!!

Waiter: ....how, sir?

Andrew: Sliced; 1/8 inch, garnished with herbs from your garden, soaked with coconut oil and fried until golden brown in a 2 foot by 1 1/2 tin plated pan; imported from the coastal regions of Northeastern Hokkaido

Waiter: ....Sir, this is a Wendy's

Andrew: BANANA!!!

Waiter: ...that'll be $12.99 plus tip, your food will be with you in 14-14 1/3 minutes

**outside**

Andrew: WHAT A RIP OFF!!!!!!

GOATS!!!!

We're off to see the wizard!! PANTS, DON'T FAIL ME NOW!!

OH MY GOD!! A SPIDER!! AHH! AAH! AHH! AAH! AHH! AAH! STOP YELLING!!

Who made you the boss of me? Carrots? Well you win this time, carrot man. But next time...you'll probably win again but the time after that! Ooh! The time after that, watch your back!

DUN DUN DUN

With your eyes!!

DUN DUN DUN!!! AHHH!! BOLD DUNNING!!!

That's a cool name. Secret Agent Bold Dunning. I would like that name.

NOW WOULD YOU LIKE ONE HAPPY MEAL OR TWO?! THEY COME IN BOXES OF A MILLION!!!

Um, is the answer one?

NOO!!!!

Aww, well do I still get the grand prize?

Of course, here's the grand prize! A hundred billion dollars and a goat!!

*Box opens, completely empty except for goat who burps*

WHAT A RIP OFF!! I WANTED TWO GOATS!!

I rant about stuffz

Ok, you know how Youtube emails you whenever someone replies to your comments? Well why doesn't Blogger do that?! So now I have to check every post to see if anyone commented! THAT MAKES ME SO MAD. Also, when I ask a question on someone else's blog, I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHEN THAT QUESTION IS ANSWERED!! And the fact that I don't know makes me ANGRY!!! AAAUUGHHHBLLAAAGHHHHI'MSOANGRYANDTHISISMEBEINGANGRYBLAAAAAGGHHHHshhhptt..

EL 50 POSTO!!

THIS ES EL CINCUENTA POSTO, SENOR!!!

ME GUSTA EL CHURRO!!!

CHURRRRRRO!!!!

Well I'm catching up, I gotta work on more Blurbs

OH!! AND I JUST CAME FROM AN AWESOME PARTY!!

We were raising money for Cambodia, and our job was the Ring Toss Game. If you win, you get a soda!! And all the soda was won so EVERYONE WAS REALLY HYPER AND JUMPING AROUND WHEN WE WERE DANCING WITH A LIVE BAND!!!!

OMGWTGITWASSOFUN

Ok, bye guys! Thanks for reading!

The Rape of Nanking

The hollowed bones of my brother,

The mangled corpse of my mother,

The rectangular pit in which my father dug and died.

My sister taken to be a slave pet,

My best friend stabbed by bayonets,

And the thousands that were soaked with gasoline and fried.

Tens upon thousands of women raped,

The Japanese soldiers laughed and taped,

These atrocities with a smile on their lips.

And the narcotics that were passed about,

So that the population would be pacified without,

Worrying about a couple thousand whipped.

And those pregnant had their fetuses torn,

There was no chance to pray or mourn,

For the streets ran red with blood and bones,

And those who were not raped, nor burned, nor stoned,

Had found salvation in the Safety Zone.

What's in his pockets? Knives and lint, eh?

What’s going on here?! Petty theft eh?? You better tell me where you live, buddy!

I live in that cardboard box over there

YOU CAN’T LIVE IN THAT BOX!!

WHY NOT?!?!

BECAUSE I LIVE IN THAT BOX!!

I RUN OUT OF TITLE IDEAS

OH MY GOD! SO MANY SHEEP! One sheep, two sheep, SHUT UP!! YOU'RE MAKING ME LOSE COUNT!!

Oh I know, maybe it'll help if we sing a song!

HOW WILL THAT HELP?!?!

...I don't know...

And now aerobics! And 1, and 2, and feel the burn! OW IT HURTS LIKE REALLY HURTY STUFF!!

I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW HARD WRITING JUNK IS!! You know what, I think someday someone will dig this out of the dirt and say that this is pretty good stuff.

AHAHAHA!! Ah, that was funny.

KABLAM!!

THERE’S NO MORE COFFEE!! Sure there is! If you just BELIEVE!!!!

NO!

That is NOT what happens!

...

Ok what else is in the news? OH! Ok, so what’s black, blue, and red all over? .....OH FRICK!!! I messed up!!! Why are jokes so hard?!

Ok, everybody on the waterslide! YAY!! Now here comes the GRENADES KABLAM!! KABLAM!!!

Silly subordinate lieutenant commander in charge of certain stuffs, thugs need hugs, not drugs! ...Right?

FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH AGAIN

Every year, there's at least one Friday the thirteenth. Well at least as long as I can remember. Sometimes there's 2 Friday the 13ths or 3 or more! BUT NEVER IN THE HISTORY OF AS FAR AS I CAN REMEMBER IS THERE TWO FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTHS IN A ROW!!!!

OMGWTGLAZORPANCAKESPEWPEW

You see, the only way there can be two friday the thirteenths in a row, is if January has a Friday the 13th, and it's not a leap year. AND THAT'S THIS YEAR

Quote: Manifian; The second Friday the 13th, 2009

You have no chance to survive make your time

Somebody set us up the bomb. WHO?! THE GOVERNMENT?! NOOOOOOOO *turns into a tire* Mmm! Tires are round! Like a doughnut! And doughnuts are good!

AND DOUGHNUTS ARE DOUGHNUTS!!!!

OMG! THERE’S NO MORE RICE!! WHATAMIGONNADO?!?!

Hey kids, don’t touch that grenade! It’s DANGEROUS. Wow, thanks random hobo! Remember kids, random hobo says, “AARRGHHWHERETHEF*CKISMAHPANTS”

KABLAM!!

If we don’t find that bomb now, everyone will...eh, something or another.

Now would you like one-ply or two? Actually, I don’t really care so bye! AAAAHHH!!!! SCREAMING!!!! OH NOES!! It’s Ari the Hispanic Cat! We call him…Arigato. AHAHAHAHAHA

THAT’S NOT FUNNY YOU UGLY!!!! WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME?!?! Someone spiked the eggnog! WITH WHAT?! …With spikes… DUN DUN DUN

Now class, everyone will get a bullet proof vest, except you…you get this eggplant.

This one is my favorite so far. IT'S ABOUT EGGPLANTS!

HOLY COW!! A FIST! *POOOOW* My face! My terribly ugly face!! Just kidding! Unless I’m actually a pineapple, then YES. But if I WERE a pineapple, I would punch myself in the face until I cry out, “OWWW YOU ARE CURRENTLY PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE AND IT HURTS!!!”

Then I would go back in time! WEEEE!

Stop mocking me you stupid bird! I hate you! Unless you bring me some orange juice because orange juice is PULPY!! With lotsa pulp! Now you have caught up with our story and I’m out of breath!! But you can’t have any of my delicious macaroni, the secret is EGGPLANTS!!

EGGPLANNNTTTSSSSSSS

What happened?

Now just hang on one second!!!! Why is it so dark?! Stop turning on that light and go to sleep, Kevin!! I HATE YOU!! SO MUCH!!!!!! .... I'm sorry, I didn't mean it...

Hello, it appears that I am on fire. It hurts a lot and it I appear to have a splinter in my right toe and it HURTS OWWWWW!!! And now sports! I’m sorry, the sportscaster has just been fed to wild Gorilla Tigers. YES There is TOO such a thing as Gorilla Tigers, MOM!!

I’m running out of ideas! RUN RUN RUN OH WAIT! I still have to talk about John McCain! I don’t like him because he’s a BOX OF BANDAGES! ARGHH Say it isn’t bananas!! JOHN! Say it isn’t bananas or I will kick you in the shin so hard that it will hurt a little bit, and you know I will you little whipper snapper.

© 2009 Simultaneously published in Canada

Story time!

Hello children, I'm grandma Grandmutherson, and I'm going to read a story. *opens large dusty book* Ah...this is one of my most favorite stories...

Once upon a time, there was an evil monster that liked to play with bunnies in his spare time. However unfortunately, that's not very interesting at all. So the best course of action is to ignore him and hope he goes away.

It was a dark and stormy morning, and the bats and birds and evil monsters were just drifting in to a sound sleep. Well, all except for the evil monster, who kept tossing and turning in bed because he could not help but think that he had completely wasted his life. I mean, he’s 53 and all he does is prance around with bunnies all day. And he certainly isn't going to be hired any time soon. I mean would you want to hire some old creep that plays with bunnies? That's right, you wouldn't, so be quiet and stop questioning everything.

But suddenly, a huge crash was heard outside. And little did our monster friend know, that his entire existence would suddenly be changed in no way whatsoever so he got himself a glass of milk and went back to contemplating on how much better his life would be if only something interesting would happen to him, but nothing probably ever will.

The end!

…That story sucked!

Andrew's Corner

Welcome back to Andrew's corner, the part of the show where Andrew goes to the department store and buys a corner

Andrew: ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

Store Attendant: Sir, do you need help?

Andrew: SHUT UP!!! YOU'LL MAKE ME LOSE COUNT!!!

Store Attendant: ....Lose count of what?

Andrew: I'm counting how many tacos I can fit in each corner. NOW I'LL HAVE TO START OVER FROM THE BEGINNING!!!! WHY IS BUYING CORNERS SO HARD?!?! I HATE THIS SHOW!!!

Join us next time, where Andrew goes and buys a doorframe

Comment for Matt's poem for Jess

Awwww, that's so sweet, but remember cause *takes out a guitar*

Love is like a river, if you fall in it, you die. *strum strum*

And loove is like a bumblebee, it looks fuzzy but it stings *strum strum*

And Looove is like your breath after you eat onions, sardines, pickled cabbage, some spoiled milk, some rotten potatoes and a few pieces of glass It stinks *guitar ending* THANK YOU CLEVELAND!!! Music and Lyrics by Andrew M, ok, just lyrics, BUT I SWEAR THOSE FREAKING LYRICS ARE MINE